So much, this. Once you know, you REALLY know and it becomes absolutely impossible to ignore. I’m fairly certain I’m now physically incapable of choosing people and places that thrive on eroding my being. I’m sure my bank account doesn’t prefer me having self awareness/respect and boundaries now, but here we are.
I’m still learning what feels right and where I want to go from here, but it’s been a wild shift.
And I recognize this is an immense privilege—being able to step away from constant activation. Not everyone has the resources, support systems, or fallbacks to opt out and redefine (I didn’t for most of my life). It’s costly in ways both material, emotional, and relational. Gaining this clarity requires a different kind of loss first.
I’m trying not to waste the privilege of being able to choose myself in a world that has worked so hard to ensure I avoid that.
I really relate to this. As a young, single woman living by myself, without family support or cash reserves, I do not have the privilege to leave my employer and reflect...however, this is really inspiring me to take a closer look at how I can create better, clearer, healthier boundaries and methods for upholding those boundaries, within the life that I do have.
And definitely don't forget to consider the people you have around you for more "non-traditional" supports. Found family has been a game-changer for me.
Absolutely; my chosen family has been integral in helping me to see my own situation realistically, cultivate and care for my sanity, and enhance ability to reflect, relax, and ask for what I need. I'm glad you have that too.
What an incredible articulation of the modern workplace, which exists on the fundamental assumption that people should abandon their humanity for a business. I really resonated with this. Thank you!
“Contemporary systems are organized around managed dysregulation. Long hours are framed as dedication. Chronic urgency is treated as leadership and rapid context switching is interpreted as competence. Emotional labor is absorbed quietly and continuously, particularly by women who know how to keep things from falling apart.”
I resonated with a lot of what you said. That’s why I also made the leap away from corporate world to do something else. It’s only been a few months so I’m still recovering.
I'm so happy to hear you're claiming your own path forward. It takes a very long time to recover, but once you start aiming toward something more meaningful to you it's incredible the energy that triggers.
You have summed up how I have felt what I have experienced for the past 27 years. I recently at the age of 51 experienced one of the most shattering events at work that was presented to me as an “optimization exercise”. The person delivering the information was completely void of conscience and any empathy. I won’t get into specifics but relationships that I have built over 10 years were sold, thrown away. My network has basically been imploded. Luckily I am on vacation right now which is really helping me heal my nervous system. Resilience and I am going to be way more intentional with my time this year. If there is no value to me personally no thanks.
Regulation restores choice, and choice alters power dynamics. This is in my notes app to look at daily now.
This article was so helpful and couldn’t be more true!
This line: "People operating just below the threshold of collapse often give more, tolerate more, and push back less. High-performing women, caregivers, and leaders who have been rewarded for holding complexity become especially valuable in these conditions. Their competence masks the cost until the cost becomes unavoidable."
You're not speaking specifically about schools, but you could be. With so many teachers being women, this happens all the time.
As a woman in leadership, I find that terms like "servant leadership" exacerbate this problem for women, who are already socialized to serve, and serve, and serve, erasing our own needs.
This is beautifully written and brought into my awareness something I've observed in the workplace for a long time, but never knew how to articulate it. Thank you for writing this, one of those moments for me where now that I see it, I can't unsee it.
Omg I think I will be thinking about this post for the rest of my life. Yes to every word. Think of how much the world could change once all women realize this. 🤯
Fantastic piece! Each time I choose to rebuild my work and life in routines of calm or creativity, I’m reminded of the 15 years of nervous system attacks I happily endured for the sake of “advancement”. Very happy to have a second go at a professional life on my own terms.
Wow. Really insightful read...and all true. Pay attention to the leaders in your organization - are they rewarded for activation and urgency? If so, they will drag you along and tell you it's just the job.
So much, this. Once you know, you REALLY know and it becomes absolutely impossible to ignore. I’m fairly certain I’m now physically incapable of choosing people and places that thrive on eroding my being. I’m sure my bank account doesn’t prefer me having self awareness/respect and boundaries now, but here we are.
I’m still learning what feels right and where I want to go from here, but it’s been a wild shift.
And I recognize this is an immense privilege—being able to step away from constant activation. Not everyone has the resources, support systems, or fallbacks to opt out and redefine (I didn’t for most of my life). It’s costly in ways both material, emotional, and relational. Gaining this clarity requires a different kind of loss first.
I’m trying not to waste the privilege of being able to choose myself in a world that has worked so hard to ensure I avoid that.
I really relate to this. As a young, single woman living by myself, without family support or cash reserves, I do not have the privilege to leave my employer and reflect...however, this is really inspiring me to take a closer look at how I can create better, clearer, healthier boundaries and methods for upholding those boundaries, within the life that I do have.
And definitely don't forget to consider the people you have around you for more "non-traditional" supports. Found family has been a game-changer for me.
Absolutely; my chosen family has been integral in helping me to see my own situation realistically, cultivate and care for my sanity, and enhance ability to reflect, relax, and ask for what I need. I'm glad you have that too.
💯
What an incredible articulation of the modern workplace, which exists on the fundamental assumption that people should abandon their humanity for a business. I really resonated with this. Thank you!
“Contemporary systems are organized around managed dysregulation. Long hours are framed as dedication. Chronic urgency is treated as leadership and rapid context switching is interpreted as competence. Emotional labor is absorbed quietly and continuously, particularly by women who know how to keep things from falling apart.”
Whew!
Whew!!! You dropped so many bars here. This was such a good read.
Thank you! So happy to hear it landed for you 💜💜💜
I resonated with a lot of what you said. That’s why I also made the leap away from corporate world to do something else. It’s only been a few months so I’m still recovering.
I'm so happy to hear you're claiming your own path forward. It takes a very long time to recover, but once you start aiming toward something more meaningful to you it's incredible the energy that triggers.
You have summed up how I have felt what I have experienced for the past 27 years. I recently at the age of 51 experienced one of the most shattering events at work that was presented to me as an “optimization exercise”. The person delivering the information was completely void of conscience and any empathy. I won’t get into specifics but relationships that I have built over 10 years were sold, thrown away. My network has basically been imploded. Luckily I am on vacation right now which is really helping me heal my nervous system. Resilience and I am going to be way more intentional with my time this year. If there is no value to me personally no thanks.
Regulation restores choice, and choice alters power dynamics. This is in my notes app to look at daily now.
This article was so helpful and couldn’t be more true!
This. Is. So. True! And don’t get me started on the PTA— my kids public school is completely run by unpaid women
I'm watching one of my good friends lead her PTA in some really critical matters and was thinking exactly this yesterday!
This line: "People operating just below the threshold of collapse often give more, tolerate more, and push back less. High-performing women, caregivers, and leaders who have been rewarded for holding complexity become especially valuable in these conditions. Their competence masks the cost until the cost becomes unavoidable."
You're not speaking specifically about schools, but you could be. With so many teachers being women, this happens all the time.
As a woman in leadership, I find that terms like "servant leadership" exacerbate this problem for women, who are already socialized to serve, and serve, and serve, erasing our own needs.
I wrote a bit about navigating this as a school leader here: https://substack.com/@ruth0poulsen/p-178223678
I'm interested in your feedback!
This is beautifully written and brought into my awareness something I've observed in the workplace for a long time, but never knew how to articulate it. Thank you for writing this, one of those moments for me where now that I see it, I can't unsee it.
Omg I think I will be thinking about this post for the rest of my life. Yes to every word. Think of how much the world could change once all women realize this. 🤯
how powerful we are when we have agency!
Modern work place: Much Ado About Nothing.
How much of the work is truly important despite the urgency assigned? Very little in my opinion.
“I am not less capable because I refuse to live in constant activation. I’m just less exploitable.” Yes, this! Thank you for sharing your story.
Fantastic piece! Each time I choose to rebuild my work and life in routines of calm or creativity, I’m reminded of the 15 years of nervous system attacks I happily endured for the sake of “advancement”. Very happy to have a second go at a professional life on my own terms.
It runs on psychopaths. Anyone who can survive all that is a psychopath. Thank goodness all us burnouts failed the psychopath achievement test!
Ha! I'm pretty sure I've said the same thing.
Wow. Really insightful read...and all true. Pay attention to the leaders in your organization - are they rewarded for activation and urgency? If so, they will drag you along and tell you it's just the job.
Phenomenal essay that describes why my professional successes have felt so hollow
This is the best description of burnout I’ve ever read, and I relate to it deeply.